


Rats

by nausikaaa



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, M/M, Rats, just... so many rats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:29:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28843875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nausikaaa/pseuds/nausikaaa
Summary: “How much are the rats?”“£10 or £15 for a pair. It’s another £50 for a cage.”Baz didn’t even pause to consider. £65 for his dignity was nothing.He left the shop with a bag of dog food, a cage, and two rats- one white, one brown.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 13
Kudos: 53





	Rats

**Author's Note:**

> i googled exactly 2 things for this fic, do not take anything written here as fact and be a responsible rat owner.
> 
> content warning for multiple mentions of drinking rat blood.

It started simply enough: with dog-sitting. Dog-sitting Agatha’s spaniel, to be precise. Agatha was out of the country for the week for some riding competition, and Simon had agreed to look after Lucy. Baz hadn’t agreed, but by virtue of living with Simon, he ended up stuck with the creature anyway.

It wasn’t so bad, and he only had one close call when she curled up on his lap late one night before he had fed.

Which was how he found himself eyeing up the pet rats in a small local pet shop on his day off, while the bag of dog food he had actually gone there for laid forgotten at his feet.

The rats looked pretty easy to take care of, and, as a sign tapped below their enclosure reminded shoppers, should be kept separated by sex, as they bred fast.

Baz thought back to last week, when he had spelled half a dozen mice to the alley behind his flat and drained them in the shadows, and made up his mind.

Tucking the bag of dog food under his arm, he joined the short queue to the counter and checked his phone idly. Shepard had sent an extremely zoomed in blurry photo of a black cat in a field to the group chat, claiming it was an “ABC”, which Baz could only assume was some kind of cryptid, and Simon had replied with a photo of a very fat pigeon taking up a seat on the underground.

The woman ahead of Baz finished up her purchase, and he stepped forward. He placed the food on the counter.

“How much are the rats?”

“£10 or £15 for a pair. It’s another £50 for a cage.”

Baz didn’t even pause to consider. £65 for his dignity was nothing.

He left the shop with a bag of dog food, a cage, and two rats- one white, one brown.

><><><

Simon, bless his heart, was surprisingly accepting. After all, the flat had a spare storage cupboard, and the rats were fairly content in there, with plenty to gnaw on and play with. After making a few jokes about Baz’s relation to them after finding out domesticated rats were actually known as “Fancy Rats”, he practically forgot they were there, and Baz was left to contentedly check up on them twice a day, ensuring they were well fed and cleaned out.

That was, until Baz came home with a second cage, and explained that the rats had had babies, so he was separating them.  
“Can I see?” Simon peered over Baz’s shoulder as he picked up the reluctant white rat. Clearly it wasn’t particularly fond of him, but he managed to wrangle it into the other cage with minimal scratching.

“There’s not much to see.” Baz said. “They’re just little pink blobs at the moment.”

“Okay, I need to see them.”

Baz rolled his eyes, but conceded, lifting the shelter to reveal the six newborn rats.

“They look like beans.”

“Why does everything come back to food with you?”

“Do you mean to tell me this rat breeding scheme isn’t about food?”

Well, he’d gotten him there.

“I don’t approve, by the way.”

“You don’t mind me drinking from feral rats.” Baz remarked, closing the cupboard. “I’m just making my life easier.”

“But they’re like pets.” Simon pouted.

“No they’re not! They’re like farm animals, if anything.”

Simon didn’t look convinced, but didn’t press.

><><><

The beginning of the end came when Simon named his first rat.

Baz should have expected as much after the previous conversation about them, but he somehow managed to overlook Simon’s newfound interest in the rodents, so when he came into the kitchen one morning, cradling a small white female with brown spots, and declared it “Freya”, Baz was beat.

The batch of babies were practically tame, and Simon discovered that they quite liked to be pet and tickled. By the time Baz tried to intervene, all six of them had names, and Simon was quite attached.

Baz reasoned they could stand to grow to adulthood before he bothered feeding from them, and foolishly indulged him.

By the time they were six months old, Simon had somehow managed to teach them a few tricks, and Baz was still feeding outside. When the first snow hit, he decided he’d had enough.

There were seven cages by now, each containing a pair of rats and their offspring. He found the oldest rats- the first two he had bought, and opened the hatch to their cage. They still weren’t exactly friendly, and started to squeak as soon as they spotted his approaching hand.

Simon’s footsteps came thundering across the flat immediately, and he was between Baz and the rats alarmingly quickly, especially considering Baz’s enhanced speed.

“Simon, move.”

“You can’t kill them!”

“It's no different to eating a burger.” He groaned. Simon set his jaw.

“I bet you wouldn’t kill him if I told you his name was Simon Jr.”

“I have no moral qualms about eating your adopted rat son, Snow.”

Simon clapped his hand to his chest and made a valiant effort to win Baz over by sheer offence. Baz sidestepped him and made another grab, this time for the female rat, which he suspected was named after Bunce. Perhaps if he let her know, she would give him permission to drain the wretched thing... 

“Baz, please!” Simon interjected, grasping at his arm. He knew it was a bad idea, but nevertheless, he couldn’t help but look at him.

Simon gave him his most powerful puppy-dog eyes, and he caved.

><><><

It was a hell of a blessing that, a week later, a butcher shop opened up down the street, selling blood by the gallon with no questions asked. Baz stocked the bottom shelf of the fridge with the stuff. He wisely decided to store it in opaque bottles, so Simon could continue living in ignorant bliss. He had enough on his plate, after all. All seven pairs of rats had whelped, and Baz had thought it only fair to leave him in charge of rehoming sixty-three rats.

**Author's Note:**

> look up ABCs (Alien Big Cats) they're cool as heck


End file.
